i want to say sorry.
for not loving you enough.
for not showing how much I care.
for being so coward.

i want to say sorry.
for telling you things i know you wouldn't wanna hear.
for doing you things i know tou don't wanna feel.

but i want you to know

that i treasured you so much.
that those little things you've done for me will always be here in me.
that you had this place in my heart, i wish someone can replace.
that you've made this impact in my life, i cannot deny.

and yes, you're right

that you are a person, i won't ever forget.

When will it fade?

After several months and few bitter goodbye texts, i saw him once again.
In his eyes, I know that he still do. I tried to smile as genuine as I could but I don't think it showed I just hope he felt it.

He reminded me that no matter how hard I try, once in my life I was able to hurt someone.
He taught me to speak beyond words and actions, but by distance.
He let me gone free towards my dreams and run in the race.
He understood me more than any other could.
He let me know that I mean the world to him.
He made me feel that he could go beyond the limits when it comes to me.
He acknowldge all my efforts and even stupid ideas.
and most of all, he loved the 'all' in me... but

i can't accept it and i don't know why.

I tried to love him too but I can't and I am very, very sorry for that.
and the hell I think of him right now after my conscience keep on saying I'm guilty.
I will never find someone like him again. That's what my friends keep on telling me when I was about to bust him but I still go on. And if you'll ask me, if i realized that I love him now?

I still feel the same. I'm still sorry. and. he is still in pain.
God grant him the woman who deserve him more.please.

i want to say that everything fades but then something moved me.

ayoko na lagi na lang ganito.

akala ko pa naman.

The First and the Last Time


--you pray?
1st: I think when i was 3 or 4, as soon as I have learned speaking, my father taught me right away a simple prayer.
Last: before eating my lunch a while ago.

--you sing?
1st: 3 or 4, some nursery rhymes that my sister taught me
Last: while looking at the CDs in Odyssey before going home a while a go

--you cry?
1st: when i was born
Last: just last night before going to sleep

--you cry the hardest?
1st: when i was born
last: i think 5 months ago, after bringing my mom in the hospital

--you say sorry?
1st: i can't remember probably it have been for my sister
Last: to jhubail, when i told her, 'bahala ka na nga sa buhay mo!' she got terribly mad at me and didn't text me for almost three weeks, i just got the chance to apologize at the start of our summer class

--you say thank you meaningfully?
1st: to my parents but just in a letter because i couldn't say it personally
Last: to a friend... hmmm...

--you became so much depressed?
1st: 1st year highschool about a highly confidential problem
Last: on my debut when someone that i expected so much to come but disappointed me, not only on that day but until forever.

--you became so much happy?
1st: family reunion in pampanga
Last: viewing the sunset alone in the baywalk

--you became/come in-love?
1st: 3rd year highschool
Last: i hope it will not be the last

--you stroll alone?
1st: 2nd year highschool in festival
Last: just last week in SM Sta. Rosa

--you hang-out with friends?
1st: grade four at Gerlie's hauz
last: me and joan last-last week

--you became mad?
1st: grade four
Last: to my sister just the other day

--you dance?
1st: field demo, kindergarten days
Last: at the PTS convergence, Brain Gym

--you laugh the hardest?
1st: on my father's jokes
Last: just last night while talking to my bestfriend over the phone

--you wanna die?
1st: March 2004
Last: March 2004

--you got a dear friend?
1st: kindergarten days... Joan Sigua
Last: college days... they're so many to mention

--you got a dear enemy?
1st: highschool
Last: now that i'm already in college, i have learned to love my critics

--you got terribly sick?
1st: based from my mom's stories, when i was just a baby, due to amoebiasis
last: last year, liver malfunction, but i'm always sick, just like now, due to very dry eyes, my eyes often teared...

--you feel very healthy?
1st: CAT training days
Last: last week before the start of the class when i can always rest my eyes

jipz, di ko na kayang sagutan lahat, ang sakit na ng mata ko eh... hehehe

ako. sa kaloob-looban ng hypothalamus mo.

sagana sa dakdak ang hangin nang piliin mong tumabi sakin ng araw na yun sa pila ng mistulang nagmamakaawa para sa relief goods.
humigop ka ng konting pepsi sa kanina mo pang pinapalong bote sa upuan natin.
huminga ka ng malalim at umusal ng, 'ang tagal naman'
hindi kita kayang tingnan kasi hindi kita ka-level
level.level.level. kailan ba natutunan ang sistemang yun?
makalipas ang isang oras, nakalahati na rin natin ang pila.
ikalawang oras nang magkaroon tayo ng 'synaptic connection'.
inalok mo ko ng kendi. mentos. hindi ako mahilig dun pero sige na nga. pampalipas oras lang.
nginitian kita at ganun din naman ang tugon mo.
ikatlong oras. dalawang rows na lang at tayo na. humarap ka sakin at sinambit mo.
'siguro pag nandun na tayo, ang sarap ng feeling'
nye. hindi ako natuwa. pero sige baka kasi sabihin mo naluge ka, 'oo nga'
nahuli kitang nakatingin ka sakin pero pilit kong binalewala iyon.
at ng dahil dun ako naman ang nahuli mo pero ganun din ang reaksyon mo.
o sige, wala lang kunwari.
tatlong tao na lang ang natitira at tayo na.
ngunit hindi ko pa rin alam ang pangalan mo. at wala na rin naman akong lakas ng loob para malaman.
napatulala na lang ako. itinabi ka lang sakin ni Lord para kahit papaano malibang ako. tnx ha. (siyempre sa isip ko lang yan) napangiti ako ng hindi sinasadya sa naisip ko. akala mo para sa'yo yun. o siya sige, nginitian na kita ng tuluyan pero kailangan ko ng umalis.
panu ba yan? kitakits na lang kahit saan.

i believe in time.


and i believe in you
yet somethin' about this world we're living in,
we can't deny.

the half world looks at you
with great distance and hierarchy
while, the other took it all away from me.

envy is meant to all those near you
while pity named me with such disgrace

oblivion should come now
and i pray thee to save me.